you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize