cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Randomize
