You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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