your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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