wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
