I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
