I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
