omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
