Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
