Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Randomize
