I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Randomize
