Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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