It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
You ruined the universe
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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