I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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