every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
