I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Randomize