im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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