I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I will pee on everything he values.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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