Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
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