atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
I could make wine with my vomit
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
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