I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
