Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
where are my pants?
in the oven.
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