Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
