It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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