i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
