I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
