I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
