Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
She has the best kind of daddy issues
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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