So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Randomize
