I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
