He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
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