do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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