I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
