he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
im six kinds of drunk right now
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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