I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
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