I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
