your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Michael Bay diarrhea
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize