my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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