So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Randomize
