Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
