My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
