at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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