My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize