I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
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