he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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