i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
