i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
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