My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
Randomize
