Midget sex pt 2 tonight
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
