Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
