I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
