His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Success! We fucked roommates!
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
