i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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