I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
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