Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
The ass gains better be worth it
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