I'd wear matching sweaters with you
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
