I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
It's blow job season.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Randomize
